Opinion by Okalebo Aaron
In a world drowning in political complexity, one man has cracked the code to success: relentless, unhinged enthusiasm for military tweets. Meet Balaam Barugahara Ateenyi, Uganda’s State Minister for Gender, Labour, and Social Development (Children and Youth Affairs), whose mastery of digital applause has redefined “public service.”
Balaam, a former music promoter turned political hype-man, has become the undisputed champion of Uganda’s Twitter scene. His claim to fame? Praising the Ugandan Chief of Defence Forces (CDF) with the urgency of a man whose wife is about to deliver. Whether the CDF tweets about military strategy, breakfast choices, or the weather, Balaam is there—often within seconds—to declare it “brilliant,” “visionary,” or “a masterstroke for our beloved youth.”
Political analysts and Instagram influencers alike have begun to ask: what’s Balaam’s secret? Is it his business acumen, his knack for organizing unforgettable concerts, or his uncanny ability to detect a presidential appointment from a mile away? Experts say it’s none of these.
“It’s the retweets,” says Dr. Muwanga, Professor of Social Media Studies at Makerere University. “Balaam’s unwavering support for the CDF’s tweets has single-handedly raised national morale by 17%. Imagine what could happen if we all had a Balaam in our lives.”
The phenomenon, now dubbed “The Balaam Effect,” is sweeping the nation. Husbands are retweeting their wives’ cooking photos. Children are liking their parents’ WhatsApp statuses. Even boda boda riders are endorsing each other’s helmet selfies. The result? A nation united—not by politics, but by the power of public praise.
In a recent press conference (which Balaam live-tweeted, naturally), he urged Ugandans to “support each other the way I support the CDF’s tweets. If your friend posts a selfie, retweet it. If your neighbor’s goat wins a ribbon at the agricultural show, quote-tweet with fire emojis. Together, we can build a more supportive Uganda—one retweet at a time.”
So, next time you scroll past a friend’s humblebrag or your boss’s motivational meme, remember: everyone needs a Balaam in their life. Or better yet, be the Balaam you wish to see in the world. So next time you see the CDF tweet, ask yourself: What would Balaam do? Then smash that retweet button like your career depends on it.
Disclaimer: This article is a satirical work. Any resemblance to real strategies, real individuals, or real priorities is purely coincidental (or tragically accurate).